The year is 2018. The month is November. The day is Thanksgiving. The player is Kobe Bryant, whose level of angst is ballooning more than the old guy’s house in Up.
This is a conversation between Kobe Bryant and LeBron James that was recorded by the NBA and recovered by a full roster of basketball detectives.
The setting is a tiki bar in Santa Monica, California. The dance floor is lively but Kobe and LeBron are sticking to the V.I.P. section so they don’t get mobbed by TMZ correspondents, who are having an intensely competitive limbo competition in the corner. The TMZ correspondents are taking this limbo competition more seriously than Kobe ever took basketball and Kobe took basketball pretty seriously. Kobe and LeBron are sitting on a luxurious white leather couch that is more expensive than the average luxurious white leather couch especially since Kobe and LeBron sat on it. They are sharing a bottle of 1992 Screaming Eagle Cabernet and the half smile of two of the most legendary athletes of all time. LeBron is wearing a dapper gold jacket and a scarf lent to him by Johnny Depp while Kobe is wearing a #24 purple Lakers jersey.
Kobe: Man, do I miss the game.
LeBron: I understand, I love being out there on the court.
Kobe: Nah, I’m talking about Pac-Man. I used to have an arcade version of the game in my basement when I was a kid. I lost a lot of sleep in the summer of ‘86, like I’m talking about marathons for days.
LeBron: Wow that is amazing, Kobe. I never knew that about you!
Kobe: You know that Adam Sandler movie Pixels?
LeBron: Yeah of course, who doesn’t know the movie Pixels? If you haven’t seen Pixels then I don’t think I can hoop with you.
Kobe: Yeah it goes without saying. Well, believe it or not that movie is actually based on my life.
LeBron: No way! No way that is so insane!
Kobe: Yup I spent a few weekends over at Sandler’s compound. He taught me how to revise my scripts. I taught him how to do a 360 dunk on a mini hoop. We had a little creative pow wow and I told him about my addiction to the sport of Pac-Man. It was beautiful, in its own overripe banana Sandler kind of way.
LeBron: That’s incredible. I wish I could have been a fly on the Margaritaville Frozen Concoction Maker at that one.
Kobe: Oh and also I am really missing that whole basketball thing! I never realized how much I loved lacing up my own shoes and going out there to just compete and shoot the ball and not pass to any of my teammates for the entirety of four quarters.
LeBron: You sure did love to not pass! *Chuckles and punches Kobe in the arm. Kobe gives LeBron his version of coldblooded Blue Steel presented by Kobe.*
Kobe: You should just count yourself lucky that you never had to play with me! *Laughs at his own joke* Until now. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about, LeBron.
LeBron: You want to…be my teammate?
Kobe: Yeah, buddy.
LeBron: Yeah, buddy!
The pair of superstars clanked their wine glasses and invested in an exotic cactus farm in the Mojave Desert before retiring to their homes in an UberPool.
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- Plays pick up basketball at the YMCA and jams on old fellas
- Watches basketball
- Practices free throws
- Watches movies and wishes they were short films while polishing his Oscar