You all know the story. The kindergarten teacher who has never watched a basketball game goes on to win the school bracket contest. The doctor from Pakistan who’s favorite sport is cricket wins the hospital bracket contest. The ESPN basketball analyst is accused of misconduct in the workplace. He also finished last place in the ESPN bracket contest.
March is about more than just the basketball, hoop and old white guys scribbling plays on whiteboards like janitors doing math on a mirror. March Madness, like life, is about the little things and their culmination into an amazing spectacle. These are some of my favorites.
I love when they play on an elevated floor and a player dives for the ball and slides into his bench but his teammates catch him before he crushes them then everyone pushes the player back onto the floor like he was just going to sit down and rest.
I love when they cut down the nets and wear them around their necks then sell them on Ebay in three years.
I love when the coaches sit on those high stools and their feet dangle like a construction worker sitting on an impossibly tall, flimsy piece of wood in a black and white photo.
I love when they announce the bracket and show the bubble team who didn’t know if they were going to make it and they go absolutely nuts and there’s that one guy buying Doritos from the vending machine who misses it and his teammates have to tell him they made it to the tournament and he’s super bummed he missed the big reveal so now he sticks around too long at every event he attends for the rest of his life, like way past his welcome, because he has an extreme case of fear of missing out, which causes him to lose all his friends and he starts to get severe social anxiety until he loses his job and begins working as the guy who refills vending machines so he is reminded of that time he missed when his college basketball team made it to March Madness every time he goes to work.
I love when the announcers get really excited.
I love when the players get matching haircuts but there’s that one dude who’s already balding so he has a neon cul-de-sac.
I love the ska band Neon Cul-de-sac and their song “The Follicle of Man”.
I love tuba players Nae Nae-ing, sorority sisters doing the Dougie and the dean of students unleashing the Jitterbug and absolutely killing it before dropping their monocle in nacho cheese.
I love the passion for the game and the pageantry of the whole thing.
I love the towel waivers, bench warmers and warm up pants wearers.
I love March Madness.
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