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Why Patrick Peterson Wants Out Of AZ

Arizona seems cool, right? It’s hot - do you like the hot weather? It’s dry - do you like the dry weather? It’s a desert - do you like the new Mad Max? 

These are some reasons why All-Pro cornerback Patrick Peterson wants OUT of the Southwest and to return to his home on the Bayou with the Saints. 

He misses Cajun food

He wants to cameo in one of Drew Brees’s buffet of commercials 

He misses Swamp People, like actual swamp people not just the reality TV show but he misses that too even though it’s still on the History Channel, he’s just too busy to catch it nowadays

He is running low on beads

He wants to be the Grand Marshal of Mardi Gras

He is getting tired of looking at beautiful Pueblo Revival style homes

He is getting tired of finding scorpions in his Cheerios 

He is getting tired of doing wind sprints against the wind

His back is sore from carrying the Cardinals for so long

He is offended that he hasn’t been invited to bathe in one of Josh Rosen’s flotilla of jacuzzis (get it - FLOATilla? Shout out Joe Rogan.) 

He is getting tired of running into Guy Fieri doppelgangers (and the actual Guy Fieri since he frequents not only Diners but also Drive-Ins and coincidentally Dives as well.) (Also The Guy Fieri Doppelgangers is my favorite folk jam band.) (Also folk jam is my favorite genre of music to listen to while I ride my Bird Scooter to Gelson’s to look at cheese - not buy it, just window shop - Gruyere really pops this time of year.) 

Will the Cardinals ever make the playoffs again?
Created 10/22/18
  1. Doubtful
  2. Questionable
  3. Probable
  4. Injured Reserve

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