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Tom Brady: The Enchanter’s Intern














    Brady rolled over in bed next to Gisele in their high rise condo as fireworks went off in the window over his shoulder. Every day is the Fourth of July in Las Vegas, home to some of the world’s most talented entertainers. The former New England quarterback was trying to get a good nights sleep prior to the one of the biggest days of his life, the International Talent Show.

    Gisele and Tom Ubered to the Las Vegas Convention Center in the morning after a hearty breakfast of things covered in goat cheese. When they arrived, Tom tipped the Uber driver with a pair of Uggs as Gisele toted his hat steamer. As Gisele and Tom approached the entrance of the Las Vegas Convention Center, they saw a man who looked like Nicolas Cage barreling towards them and shouting nonsensical words. Upon closer inspection, it turned out the running man was, in fact, Nicolas Cage which very much made sense in this moment as his actions seemed to be in the Nicolas Cage realm of possibilities which extends farther than the horizon. (Vertical Horizon is an underrated band and they have a great name; any time you can find an opportunity to confuse your potential fan base before they have even heard one of your songs, you have got to take that chance. Vertical Horizon is definitely a band name that Nicolas Cage would come up with, too, along with The Silver Dollar Banditos, The French Doors, Ships in Bottles, Octopus Castles and The Treasure Seekers. Vertical Horizon was your yoga instructor’s favorite band in high school. If cold brew listened to music, it’s favorite band would be Vertical Horizon.)

Tom! Gisele! What are you doing here?” Cage yelled at the famous couple, unaware of his panicked tone as a dozen or so doves escaped his Tommy Bahamas shirt.

I am about to compete in the International Talent Show.” Tom replied to the bewildered Cage suavely. 

What are you going to do for your talent?”

You know, I haven’t really thought about that much yet. Maybe I’ll just read some old texts or throw a football into the audience. I could tell them about the first time I was recruited to be the spokesperson of a clothing brand like Old Navy; their marketing team is relentless, they keep sending me free cargo shorts and wallets. Or about when that random director, who was that Stephen Spielman?” Brady asked Gisele as he inspected his hat steamer.

I think it was Steve Spielboss.” Gisele said as she unfurled Tom’s creamsicle checkered ascot.

Anyway, Stephen Spielboss kept bugging me about making a movie about my life or something. I’m like, I don’t know who you are bud but good luck with the filming movies on your iPhone or whatever.” Tom said, annoyed with the idea of wasting his time with such an activity.

I’ve been working as an Enchanter at a local hotel. I perform a nightly show during dinner where I do tricks and curse people and whatnot. I do a lot of river cruises, casinos, Elk’s Lodges, birthday parties, graduations, parades, retirements, funerals; whoever will pay me to put a spell on them (“I Put A Spell On You” by Nina Simone is my walk up music). One time I cursed an entire graduating class of UNLV and they all ended up with mediocre paying jobs that they hated and families they resented so I would put that one in the W column for ol’ Nicky Black Arts. I did this one river cruise in Missouri and everyone kept losing their money playing blackjack and blaming me for putting a curse on them. So I wake up in the middle of the night on my mattress and it’s in the middle of the river. These old farts on this dang river cruise went and Parent Trapped my magical behind! So I says to the leader of the group of hooligans, I says, ‘Why would y’all go and throw my mattress in the middle of this dang river when I’m asleep?’ You know what he did? He threw a bucket of ice water on my tired butt and they all laughed at ol’ Cagey. We played Craps and did some shots of Fireball on the deck after they finally helped me up outta the middle of the dang river so I forgave those clowns. Hell, I even performed at Trump’s Inauguration Ball - I don’t agree with the guys politics but I agreed with that paycheck, baby. Anyway, I was looking for an intern; would you be interested in such an opportunity? The only requirements are you know how to climb a waterfall, you have no regrets and you are not afraid to stand your ground. It would also be helpful if you have experience training pit bulls, can understand Latin and know how to use Microsoft Office 2015.” Cage asked Brady as he walked the dog with an imaginary Yo-Yo. Suddenly, the Enchanter veered off course, a haunted runaway train, as he approached a middle aged man with glasses and a button up shirt walking by and gave him a flyer, presumably for his next show at the hotel. The man batted Cage’s shaking hand away as he presented the flyer and walked off in a hurried pace, obviously familiar with the Enchanter’s magical powers or he just remembered he left the oven on. Either way, that dude is gonna get so cursed, the Enchanter thought to himself. Maybe I’ll make him only be able to drink almond milk for the rest of his life or bless him with a new beautiful Golden Retriever puppy every New Year’s Day only to be lost within a few months a different way every time, each more excruciating than the last, like some A Dog’s Purpose meets Jigsaw kind of stuff (Jigsawwwwwwwwwwww - like you just saw a cute Golden Retriever puppy… I’m gonna excuse myself from the dinner table now.) 

Yes. That would be the greatest job of my life. The Rock taught me how to climb a waterfall on the set of the new Jumanji so I’m covered there. I’m pretty awesome so I don’t think I have any regrets because if you changed anything in the past it might have a butterfly effect and I may have only won like three Super Bowls or something and that would be tragic. I’m known for being a pretty tough dude in the locker room around football circles (Have you seen my battle cry face? I’m like a warrior in 300 except with better hair, a better arm, a better-looking wife, more money and just a better life, in general. I guess I’m more like a hangry Derek Jeter on steroids.) so I don’t think I will have any problems standing my ground. I have never trained a pit bull but for what it’s worth I have partied with Pit Bull several times and he is a delight. I don’t speak Latin but I could probably pick it up pretty quick, I mean I learned an NFL playbook in like five days and that is practically written in another language, am I right? I have a lot of experience with Microsoft Office 2015 so that is great; I am almost done with my book about why I am the greatest football player in NFL history and everyone should bow down to me. Just kidding, it’s about socks, watches and cheese. I’m going to call it, ‘Socks, Watches and Cheese: Why Tom Brady Is The Greatest Football Player In NFL History. ” Brady said proudly, looking off into the horizon, vertical of course.

Then so it shall be. Good luck with the International Talent Show. I’ll send over my messenger raven or message you on Instagram or whatever works for you, honestly I’m just thrilled to have you on board and am looking forward for the opportunity to share my knowledge sorcery and the underworld and all that jazz. Tootles, you two lovebirds. Yeah!” And with that, Nicolas Cage let out a roar, unmatched by any lion on any safari, one that would send Mufasa running for the hills. Then he unsheathed his samurai sword and stabbed it victoriously into the sky (oh yeah, he was carry a samurai sword the whole time) before hailing a taxi. 

    And that is the tale of how Tom Brady became the intern to Nicolas Cage, the Enchanter. (You know Nicolas Cage is so jealous of Tom Brady’s fashionosity right now that he’s gonna go buy a ski resort or ride a jet ski across the Pacific Ocean or hunt something exotic that’s never been hunted just to get his mind level again. He is definitely browsing through the “bizarre and terrifying” section of petfinder.com (big ups Athena, ya ol’ mutt) while sipping champagne in Paul McCartney’s above ground pool-size bathtub.)

SQuiz
How long did it take Tom Brady to choose his outfit?
Created 5/8/18
  1. 30 minutes
  2. 45 minutes
  3. 2 hours
  4. He has a team of fashion experts who dress him

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