Real Time Analytics

Clay Matthews Smacked by Softball

    Clay Matthews was bashed in the face by a line drive hit by offensive lineman Lucas Patrick in a charity softball game at Fox Cities Stadium. In the immediate aftermath of the incident, Patrick was heard telling Matthews in the team dugout, “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry Clay! How many steaks do I owe you for this one?” (Everything in life is measured in steaks for NFL offensive linemen.) 

    In other news, Aaron Rodgers stubbed his toe on the way to the snack shack and struggled to hold back tears in order to hold up his menacing tough guy charmer reputation. Menacing Tough Guy Charmer is also Rodgers’s Xbox gamer tag. 

    These are a few other ways Matthews has injured himself in the past in the NFL offseason.

Sprained thumb during a Pac-Man marathon in which he was attempting to break Billy Mitchell’s world record after watching The King of Kong 

Hit by a foul ball at a Milwaukee Brewers game while he was eating a bratwurst and debating the merits of ketchup compared to mustard

Wrestling with his golden retriever, Poppy, who people often mistake him for

Punched a hole in his wall when he was watching game one of the NBA Finals because he made an important bet on the Cavaliers with Aaron Rodgers; if Golden State wins, Matthews has to chop off his beloved golden locks and if Cleveland wins, Rodgers has to become a lifelong Minnesota Vikings fan

Sunburn after falling asleep in the tanning bed

Brain aneurysm after keeping up with the Kardashians too closely

Attacked by a mob of nerds after he spoiled the new Star Wars movie by driving by a movie theater in the hours leading up to the premiere and yelling, “Lando Calrissian is Childish Gambino” and they thought he was making fun of Lando Calrissian for being childish

Sprained ankle while playing beach volleyball in his jeans

Boogie boarding burn on his stomach

Accidentally stumbled into a sand castle building competition and tripped on the most elaborate, painstakingly cared for castle and fell on his face when he was running in slow motion on the beach

Bruised hands after playing in a bongo circle with Matthew McConaughey for a fortnight which is actually two weeks and not the video game that your cousin, Derek, plays while drinking Mtn. Dew Code Red, the beverage of choice for gamers around the world, of course   

What was Aaron Rodgers doctor diagnosis of Matthews?
Created 6/3/18
  1. Rub some dirt on it
  2. Have a sno cone
  3. Man, Coach is gonna be pissed about this one. Let's get you a clown nose so it won't look suspicious.
  4. We need you to win the softball game

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