You know when people tell you to dance like no one is watching? Well, Irma Shaffer, a 95 year-old lady, shook her ducket maker like a team of Dancing with the Stars producers were keeping score at the Cincinnati Bengals nursing home tailgate party while Bengal cornerback Dre Kirkpatrick tried to keep up with her impressive mobility pace car. Hold the rotary phone, nursing home tailgate party? So they bring the tailgate party to the nursing home like one of those mobile dog grooming businesses from Boston, Paws in Cahs? That’s mad wicked pissa.
These are some legitimate recovered notes (that were found wedged between a slice of coffee cake and an issue of The Wall Street Journal from 1987) from the nursing home tailgate party stenographer which is actually a great job with a ton of benefits and PTO. (Which clearly stands for: time to watch (Dr.) Phil, The View and Oprah.)
9:22 am: Rose spikes the Ginger ale while everyone is catching up on their various stories.
9:27 am: Bob unknowingly drinks the Ginger ale and 44 years of sobriety come to a screeching halt. (Isn’t this the plot of the AMC hit show Halt and Catch Fire?)
9:44 am: Rose and Bob start a conga line, effectively Michael Scott-ing the office.
9:59 am: Rose and Bob get married by Tyson who is an ordained minister and the nicest guy in the world and also a huge fan of frozen chicken products although he’s not the company’s namesake.
10:17 am: Everyone is really happy that Rose and Bob found love again after their spouses passed away tragically when they mistakenly, simultaneously drove their bumper cars through the wall of the arena and into oncoming horse buggy traffic in a now defunct senior citizen gala that was held at the local carnival each October called Elephant Ears for Years.
10:38 am: Stan projectile barfs all over the wedding cake.
10:56 am: Susan tries to stop Stan from running away to buy a bunch of balloons and attempt to recreate the plot of Up because Up is his favorite movie of all time other than Reindeer Games, don’t get him started on Reindeer Games, he got into it because he thought it was a sequel to Christmas Vacation then one thing led to another and before you knew it he had a wax figure of Merlin leering over the ping pong table in his rumpus room.
11:11 am: Time to take a late morning nap.
11:50 am: Bob falls asleep with a neck tie tied around his head underneath the lamp shade that was purchased in a Sears catalog, much like everything else in the nursing home including the residents.
12:03 pm: A brawl breaks out after a heated cribbage tournament goes haywire.
12:05 pm: Mary breaks one of those folding chairs with a cushy seat over Diane’s floral dress-encased spine.
12:08 pm: Doris rips Eleanor’s dentures out of her mouth and chucks a hail mary into the gold fish tank as a highly impressed Andy Dalton looks on from the corner and takes notes on her textbook throwing form which produces a perfect tooth spiral, recommended by four out of five dentists who are football fans.
12:10 pm: Carol scoops a spoonful of chocolate pudding and pours it into Betty’s hearing aid, rendering the $1,900 device inoperable.
12:13 pm: The nursing home police arrive and break up the scrum by turning on the QVC channel.
12:17 - 9:21 pm: The whole nursing home including the nursing home police watch the QVC channel, losing track of time andmissing the Bengals game.
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- She watches the hit reality show on Fox (American Idol, of course)
- She was a tri-state champion in the limbo
- She enjoys Chris Brown music videos
- Her favorite football player is Ickey Woods