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Exactly How it Happened: Bill Belichick Learns He’s Invincible

Why did Belichick trade Jamie Collins? Maybe he just got bored.

In the debut of this new column, Alex and Chris explore their alternate universe of how decisions amongst owners, coaches, and athletes commence in the world of sports.

Maybe it’s the result of four Super Bowl titles over the last sixteen seasons, or maybe it’s indicative of being arguably the greatest coach in NFL history. For whatever reason, New England Patriots coach, Bill Belichick, can no longer do anything questionable in the media’s eyes.

At 7-1 and entering their bye week, the New England Patriots are looking like, once again, the clear Super Bowl favorites this year. But, maybe Belichick decided he needs a challenge. Maybe he needs a worthy competitor. Maybe Belichick is deciding to go up against himself. 

I like to think this is how Belichick’s Halloween went:

Bill Belichick awakes on Halloween morning and, after deciding to watch a festive horror flick for an early morning laugh, realizes the NFL and life in general are just too boring now.

“What will I do until February 5?” Belichick ponders to himself as he pours some cereal into an already full bowl of goat’s milk.

At this point, a light bulb flickers deep inside Belichick’s mind of X’s, O’s, and ways to kill Eli Manning while also making it look like an accident.

“I’ve got it! I’m going to trade away one of the league’s best linebackers!” Belichick gleefully thinks to himself.

Belichick quickly mopes to his bedroom and lights two lanterns in the window facing Gillette Stadium. The trade is now underway.

Bill Belichick now has the challenge of winning the Super Bowl with a slightly less talented defense and he believes the media can’t possibly spin this story positively. 

As news breaks that Jamie Collins is going to the Cleveland Browns in return for a 3rd round draft pick the Patriots could have received anyway had they not re-signed Collins in the upcoming offseason, Belichick happily plops himself in front of his brand new, 9-inch black and white TV eagerly awaiting the media’s hostile reaction to the trade.

However, media members everywhere start looking for answers as to why this trade is great for New England. Like a scene from a bad rom-com where a sentient robot is asked to define love and it answers, “Cannot compute”, media members all over the league scramble to find an answer to the age-old question: How does a Super Bowl contender improve by trading one of their top defensive players in the middle of the season for a draft pick in next year’s draft?

Belichick is now perplexed as the media sides with Bill’s decision. Reporters and analysts cite a couple of miscues Collins had in last week’s game against Buffalo as one of the reasons for the trade:

Others argue he might have been a bad fit in the locker room or did not get along with Belichick.

Belichick pulls the hood from his sweatshirt over his head, leans back on the couch, and sighs in disbelief.

“Am I invincible?”


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I think we’re at the point of Belichick’s career where he is having a meta realization. It’s like Ryan Gosling’s character at the end of The Nice Guys when he realizes he’s impervious to bullets and death because of the plot. Belichick is now impervious to criticism.

Make no mistake that the Patriots are still the clear Super Bowl favorite after the Collins trade, but the media should learn from Bill Belichick. It’s still ok to criticize or at least question someone who is considered the best at a respective job. 

We hear a number of stories from former athletes who played under Belichick about the times Bill would treat Tom Brady like a fourth string rookie when reviewing the one mistake he made in a game. Belichick rips into his players because he knows they can improve and he wants to see the best out of them.

But at the same time, no one is safe under the hoodie of Bill Belichick, as Jamie Collins just learned on Halloween. And the media should act the same way towards Bill like they do with the other thirty-one coaches in the NFL

Otherwise, Bill will just continue to get bored.

I mean just listen to the poor guy when he’s at a press conference:

(stop the video at 26 seconds if you want to avoid hearing an obnoxious laugh from a studio host)

Belichick sounds like the husband who has to fill in for his wife at her neighborhood book club.

So please media, don’t be afraid of Belichick, even when he probably turns out to be right for trading Collins and even when he inevitably treats you like a spec of dust in another dimension.

Edited by Justin Peroff, James Malloy.

Now entering his fourth season in 2016, how many times has New England Patriots LB Jamie Collins been selected as an All-Pro?
Created 10/31/16
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