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2018 Tiger Letter to 1981 Tiger

Flashback! Watch 5-year-old Tiger Woods show off his golf skills on TODAY

Dear 1981 Tiger,

Wow your golf skills are impressive for a child your age. Your parents are lucky! I just know you are going to accomplish so much in this world on those greens and fairways. Keep your hands low. Stay away from breakfast restaurants. Let your hips lead the way, not your pelvis. Watch out for bunkers and coeds’ bunk beds. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Look for water and Swedish nanny hazards. If you ever meet a woman who goes by Rachel Uchitel, turn and run the other way until you can no longer hear the sweet melodies of the Masters piano rattling in your Nike hat-adorned head. 

Don’t worry about Jack Nicklaus. Did you know the Claus in Santa Claus comes from his name Saint Nicholas? Anyway, he’s real. Jack Nicklaus, I mean. Just kidding, kid, of course Santa Claus is real, too. People will try to tell you he is not. Do not listen to these people - they are losers who gave up on believing in Santa Claus like they gave up on their golf careers. They probably couldn’t even hit a pitch shot out of a greenside bunker against the grain with a Callaway Steelhead XR Pro if their caddy’s life depended on it. 

You’re going to run into a lot of trouble in your journey to the top. Don’t let it faze you, just keep moving forward like the wind. Be the wind, Tiger. You are the ball, Tiger. You are a lion, Tiger. 

Stay out of the sand traps.

Your friend,

2018 Tiger 

P.S. If some guy named John Daly ever asks you to go out to drinks, do not even acknowledge him. This could inadvertently and irreversibly alter the future so that you will be spending weekday afternoons playing Skee-Ball at a Hooters in Florida. This is also the answer to the Jeopardy question “What is Fred Durst’s version of heaven?” 

P.S.S. A band called Survivor is going to release a song about you named “Eye of the Tiger” and act like it isn’t based on your life. Do not let this bother you. They probably don’t even know the difference between a Gap Wedge and a Lob Wedge. 

What term did Tiger Woods coin to describe his race?
Created 4/9/18
  1. American Blacaucasian
  2. Blacindicaucasian
  3. Cablinasian
  4. Caublackindiasian

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