You have got to be insane to be a cycling race marshal. There is no one who is less likely to become a cycling race marshal than Marshall Ericksen from How I Met Your Mother although he would be the most charming cycling race marshal at the National Cycling Race Marshal convention at an outlet mall in Tuscon. Not even Matthew McConaughey’s character from We Are Marshall would be a cycling race marshal but his voice would be the graveliest. If Matthew McConaughey was a cycling race marshal, everyone who passed by him would have to slow down for a bongo procession. I saw Bongo Procession open for Cake at The Crocodile Cafe - that mad lib won the award for Most Likely To Ride A Recumbent Bicycle (whoa, do you see that - bicycling - I didn’t even mean to do that). Stephan James, star of the 2016 track and field film Race, probably wouldn’t consider the career path and Lance Armstrong is his favorite athlete (just spitballing)(Did Bart Simpson name spitballing?). Eminem wouldn’t even be a cycling race marshal but he would clown their funny hats in a freestyle on the song, “Not Afraid (Of These Cars Driving At Me)”.
These are a few things I would rather do than be a cycling race marshal.
Be shot with an arrow by a hidden archer
Sing karaoke with Sanjaya
Play cards with David Letterman
Trade baseball cards with the devil
Do an Ouija board at Nicolas Cage’s haunted house in New Orleans
Watch a series of documentaries about handball by Ken Burns
Be a jazz musician in Utah (Ricky Rubio would be your biggest fan without a doubt)
Watch an M. Night Shyamalan movie, “The Last Hairbender” starring Tom Brady
Meet a grown-up Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes
Lose to Adam Sandler in a game of one on one basketball
Get blocked by John Mayer on Twitter
Train my dog to not care
This is a haiku about cycling race marshals.
Bikes flying graceful
Cars speeding by you, lightning
Watch out for Harleys
These are some alternate careers for cycling race marshals.
Bear Toenail Clipper
Bowling Pin Reassembler
Evel Knievel Impersonator
Simon Cowell’s Therapist
Brad Pitt’s Yoga Instructor
Anne Hathaway’s Barista
Mel Gibson’s Assistant
Paula Abdul’s Life Coach
Tonya Harding’s Hitman
Matthew McConaughey’s Reality Checker
Komodo Dragon Wrangler
Sand Castle Architect
Owner of Strip Club, “Meryl Streepers”
A cycling race marshal, Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski walk into a bar. Rob Gronkowski proceeds to trash the establishment while standing on the bar and singing Nickelback. Tom Brady hits on the waitresses. The cycling race marshal sips their drink while perusing an edition of Cycling Race Marshal Bifocally, a magazine produced by the Cycling Race Marshal Association in tandem with the Four Eyes Union of America. A young toothpaste model by the name of Ryan Seacrest tends bar as he eagerly awaits his moment in the sun.
”Are you going to finish that?”
The cycling race marshal looks up to see Rob Gronkowski, covered head to toe in glitter and Fireball. He is gesturing towards the marshal’s Michelob Ultra (the marshal is drinking this because they consider themselves an athlete so they drink the official beer for athletes).
“No, you can have the rest.”
With the bright eyes of Conor Oberst (a reference for fans of bands who inspired Nate Ruess to be a spokesperson for Urban Outfitters)(a few other Urban Outfitters spokespeople: Dennis Rodman, Clay Aiken, Owen and Luke Wilson’s brother, Steve, Zooey Deschanel and Dr. Phil (“A year from now, you’re going to have more or less graphic t-shirts, illustrated spiritual books and Goo Goo Dolls vinyl records.”)), the ogre of a tight end grabbed the beer, his palm crushing the puny bottle.
As he zoomed toward the dance floor, a Nelly song came on and lone light in a tanning salon flickered and fists pumped gleefully and dogs rode in purses and weaves wove tales and tequila shots were slammed with the might of a thousand pairs of Jordans (I wonder what Michael Jordan is doing right now - like, does he wear pajamas? I picture him in a bathrobe wearing a night cap with a fuzzy ball. Does he watch Survivor? Does he watch Netflix? Does he still have an AOL email? Has he ever worn a fanny pack? How many fanny packs does he have? Does he have a fanny pack closet? Does he call his fanny pack closet his “safe space”? Does he call Scottie Pippen and clown Phil Jackson’s zen attitude? Does he have his baseball card?) and Jesus had a Matt Lauer button installed in his hut (hut?) (Jesus Hut is a terrible spin-off business presented by Pizza Hut)(Pizza Hut is a disgusting name - who would want to eat pizza in a hut? It’s all dusty and there’s nowhere to put your plate and cockroaches stole your Pizza Saver (the little table, placed in the center of your pizza to keep the box from collapsing on your pie, is also known as a Pizza Ottoman. Pizza Ottoman makes me picture some rich emperor dude just kicking it in his palace and eating a slice of pepperoni.)) and couches were danced on (not referring to Tom Cruise, but yes Tom Cruise. Always Tom Cruise. Could there have been a more Tom Cruise thing for Tom Cruise to have Tom Cruised on the Cruiseiverse (just a pile of cassette tapes) than dancing on a couch during a TV talk show? If he had ridden a motorcycle off a spaceship then played beach volleyball in jeans while A-ha played it would have been less Cruisey. If he had blasted Nickelback in his Batmobile on his way a bar to teach a young toothpaste model how to flip bottles like his character in Cocktail it would have been less Cruisey. If he had made his own baseball card it would have been less Cruisey. If he had eaten astronaut food it would have been less Cruisey. Did you know that everything Tom Cruise does turns into an 80s montage? Tom Cruise has FOMO for your life. FOMO is such a first world problem. Like, there are people who do not have access to fresh water and you are sitting at work wishing you were playing mini golf in your mini golf league, Putt ‘Er There (do leagues have names?) and God iced Moses.
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- His father told his boss to "shove it"
- His mother started a wig making business called "Wig You Rather"
- His sister ran away from home because their mother began paying way too much attention to her wig making business and started making wigs for dogs
- His family's home was robbed while they were present