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Tai Tuivasa: A Ship of Dreams








¬† ¬† Tai Tuivasa made the Octagon walk (which sounds like an incredibly complex CrossFit¬†workout)¬†to the tune of “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion, the theme song to Titanic, perhaps the best movie I have never seen. Now that I have made it this far in life without seeing Titanic, there is no reason to break my streak of consecutive days gone without watching it. I like to consider myself the Iron Man of not seeing best picture winning movies. And it’s fun to wonder how the story might end; no spoilers!¬†

¬†¬†¬†¬†Hopefully Michael Bay will remake it¬†combined¬†with Transformers so we no longer have to spend our afternoons daydreaming about what might happen if Mark Wahlberg was the captain of the Titanic (he would totally save it,¬†don’t even act like he wouldn’t save it and he wouldn’t even raise his voice; he would whisper talk orders to the crew the whole time, “Hey guys,¬†alright I’m gonna need all the woman and children to make their way to the lifeboats over here. I know it’s only 1912 right now but you guys are gonna want to remember this name: Tom Brady. It sounds weird but this dude is gonna be a total friggin’¬†stud, you guys are gonna love him, I swear. And I know you all are like, ‘Who is this guy from the future and why is he telling us about this dude, Tom Brady,¬†who is gonna be a total friggin’¬†stud? Why does this matter right now after we just straight up smashed into this monstah iceberg? (The idea of a ship crash as massive as the Titanic’s becomes a lot more tolerable when you imagine everyone on board had a huge Boston accent. Like, they’re talking trash to the iceberg, ‘Hey there brotha, you think you’re a tough guy? You think you’re all tough cuz you’re a big hunk of ice, huh? You want some of this, Mr. tough guy big scary iceberg? *frenzy of punches from dozens of dudes with Red Sox hats and drinking shaved ice¬†(hey, the Red Sox were established in 1908 so it is a legitimate possibility, this entire situation totally could have actually happened in a friggin’ pissah alternate universe)’¬†Stop crying, alright, I know it’s bad but we’re all in this together, OK? We’re gonna get out of this one, alright? Watch your step, folks, hold the railing. Tom Brady, write it down, he’s gonna be wicked awesome.” *slams¬†textbook shut and a cloud of dust poofs into the air and hangs in the atmosphere long enough for the crew of Ghost Adventures¬†to pull up with their camera crew, throw down a bunch of crafts and services tables¬†and begin filming their newest season* “And that is how America became the greatest country in the world. Now, who wants to play Duck Duck Goose while we wait for your principal to figure out that I am actually just an actor researching how to be a teacher for my next role?”¬†¬†

¬† ¬† After Tuivasa defeated¬†his opponent Andrei Arlovski by the judges’ decision,¬†he chugged some beer out of his shoe which is otherwise known as a “shoey”. Since when did ultimate fighters perform fraternal hazing rituals to celebrate their victories in the Octagon? Is there anything about drinking alcohol¬†out of one’s shoe that screams “I am a winner”? Is this the Samoan version of das boot? Did Tuivasa lose a bet with his friend and the terms were that if he won the fight he would sip Miller Lite out of his boat shoes? If this is how Tuivasa celebrates a victory, how would he deal¬†with losing a match; by doing a shot of Jose Cuervo out of his best friend’s cauliflower ear? How many times has Bill Murray drank beer out of his shoe in his life? In the past week? Since I began writing this column?

    These are a few other walk out songs that Tuivasa considered before catching the end of Titanic on Lifetime the other night and making a note in his journal. 

Love is an Octagon”¬†by Pat Benatar¬†

Faithfully (caving¬†in your face)” by Journey

Hooked on a Feeling (of the taste of your blood)” by Blue Swede

December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night of Uppercuts)” by The Four Seasons (of pain)

Here I Go Again (breaking your nose)” by Whitesnake

Every Rose Has Its¬†Thorn (as do my gloves)” by Poison (self-explanatory)

Carry On Wayward Brawler” by Kansas (the motorcycle bar fight capital of the world)

More Than A Feeling (of knocking you out) by Boston (fight in the stands of a Red Sox game in regards to who is the greatest quarterback of all time; 2005 Tom Brady,¬†2015 Tom Brady or present day Tom Brady)

I Remember You (I never forget a face I punch)” by Skid Row

Heaven (is kicking your ribs)” by Warrant (Dog the Bounty Hunter does triangle push¬†ups in an abandoned warehouse in front of that ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ rattlesnake¬†flag which is also his voicemail greeting, “Hi there you’ve reached Dog, don’t tread on me and leave a message at the beep beeeeeeeep ha just kidding, it’s still me. See, Dog can be funny too. I’m such a good Dog, oh yes I am. Uhhhhh, anyway you were not meant to hear..*beep*”)

Every Breath You Take (as I squeeze it out of your lungs with my forearm around your neck like a King Cobra)” by The Police (*too scared to type anything so I just move on without mentioning it* *wait a second… dang it*)¬†

Drive (my knee through your sternum)” by The Cars (bumper cars, of course)

Strawberry Fields Forever (is what you will be tasting no matter what you eat; everything will taste like strawberries after we’re through with this cage match which actually doesn’t seem like that bad of a curse, like if I had three wishes from a genie that might crack the rotation, for sure, there’s nothing wrong with everything tasting¬†a Strawberry Shortcake (then you go to a bakery where their specialty is Strawberry Shortcake and you try it and you’re like, ‘Everything tastes like a¬†Strawberry Shortcake to me but this *kiss your hands like an Italian chef* is truly a magnificent Strawberry Shortcake, my friend’ (then the camera zooms out and you are just talking to a brick wall”) by The Beatles¬†


SQuiz
What did Tuivasa drink out of his shoe?
Created 6/10/18
  1. Pepsi
  2. Mai Tai (his mother's favorite drink)
  3. Iced Coffee
  4. Irish Car Bomb

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