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Ballboy Slips

    The Florida ballboy took some time in the bottom of the tenth inning in the Gators’s victory over the Auburn Tigers in eleven innings to attempt to make it onto that night’s SportsCenter ”Not Top 10”. The poor ballboy performed a Benny Hill sketch all by his lonesome out there in left field as he didn’t realize that at the time he was, in fact, running on an actual Slip ‘N Slide that had been built into McKethan Stadium (the president of the University of Florida and the Gainesville mayor were a bit confused at the time when they were reviewing the structure’s blue prints and found these underground wave-infused, party-centered water slides scattered about the field like land mines but decided to think nothing more of it when the architect, Jennifer “The Human Boogie Board” Slip IV of the Wham-O Slip ‘N Slide Slips laid out her plans and told them everything was, “under control” then when they walked away she said under her breath, “of the fun department” which is actually the motto from the Slip family crest which is more of a swimming suit of arms if you ask anyone (literally, everyone knows that; if you don’t know about Jennifer Slip IV of the Wham-O Slip ‘N Slide Slips and their family swimming suit of arms then you don’t know jack which is also Jennifer Slip IV of the Wham-O Slip ‘N Slide Slips favorite computer game and expression to say when she is annoyed by people who ask her why someone would make the executive decision to implement Slip ‘N Slides into the ground of a baseball field, like it makes sense if it was an accident but to plan out something like this and sleep on it for many nights and place the weight of your family’s business and name on it; now that is just not a very well thought out business decision if you ask Ryan Squirtgun of the Hasbro Super Soaker estate) The wackiness was a harbinger for what would come the bottom of the next inning when their leadoff hitter (their Ichiro, if you will; oh, you won’t? OK, Chuck Knoblauch holding the bat like a giant marlin he just fished out of the bay of Molokini before he got the yips. Imagine if the yips wasn’t just a sports thing and it translated to all walks of life. Like, “Yeah, it’s too bad. Clay used to be one of our premier sandwich artists but now every time he tries to make an Italian Sub he just straight up picks up the meatballs and throws them at the customers instead of onto the bread. It’s like his mind is in a pretzel or something. Maybe he should transfer over to Cinnabon and making pretzels, that might be less dangerous for everyone involved.” or “Susan was one of the best dog walkers in town. Now whenever she tries to walk a dog, she can only do the Macarena down the sidewalk. It’s one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen.”) and left fielder Austin Langworthy smashed a deep drive to right field. 

    You could see the fielding instructional videos flash before the eyes of Steven Williams as he faded back to the warning track and reached his glove into the air to let the ball softly carom into its webbing, its home, where it belongs and always has no matter what Tom Hanks character from Castaway may try to explain to you about it being a part of his family’s heritage and Wilson’s cousin and whatnot (whatnot is a weird term if you think about it; it’s both defensive and surrendering at the same time. It’s like the first half of it is, “What? You got a problem with this? You want some of this?” then the second half is, “Don’t mind me. We’ve got it all figured out over here. Move along, as you were.”) 

    Even stranger yet, in the bottom of the fourth inning of the game, the Florida baserunner on first base, Nick Horvath, took an intentional dive in between first and second to momentarily distract the Auburn pitcher, Andrew Mitchell, as Blake Reese dashed home like there was a popular peanut butter and chocolate infused treat waiting for him at the plate. Near the left field wall, the Gators’s ballboy chuckled to himself as he was completely unaware of the shower of pain and embarrassment that would rain down upon his world in just a couple short hours as he, himself, would take center stage for all the world to see as he traversed onto the forbidden grass known as the playing field, over the wall of doubt, across the river of insecurity and through the hills of, “I got it!” only to find himself trapped in a vast canyon, pinned down by the boulder of shame that James Franco fell victim to for however many hours in that one movie. 

Who won the game?
Created 6/12/18
  1. Florida
  2. Auburn
  3. Everyone who watched
  4. That ballboy's clout around the Florida ballboy clubhouse which is actually just that shady spot under that tree over there

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