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FBI Dancer










    Chase Bishop is the most interesting man in the world. Look deep into his eyes, past his favorite episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, “The Gang Dances Their Asses Off”, which inspired him to break down a cardboard box and break through into his dream of becoming one of the premier competitors in Denver’s underground breakdancing scene which is way bigger than you think it is if you have ever lent a nugget of thought to what magnitude the Denver underground breakdancing scene might reach which you probably have if you are a living and breathing human who just wants to experience life and love to the fullest despite society trying to suppress your true desire to casually follow underground breakdancing (which is not something you casually do; that’s like saying you casually golf or…wait that’s not a good example) through various popular magazines such as The L-Kick Word, HeadSpin and Airflare & Space. Those eyes are home to neighborhoods of pain, condominiums of self-doubt and housing developments of regret. If you look closely enough, you can make out the early mornings of his teenage years spent tumbling in gymnastics gyms. 

    If you dig a little deeper, you can see how his father wanted him to be an Olympic diver, pushing him relentlessly to relinquish himself to the magical powers of the pool despite his crippling fear of water. The devastating phobia dates back to Bishop’s summer days spent visiting his grandparents. They had a massive cabin type estate on a lake with a private dock and adjacent rope swing for public use. 

    One time, Bishop was hanging out with his brother and sister on the dock, watching the mosquitoes try to have a town hall meeting or get a bill passed (they would like to ban human use of Off! as it is considered to be a performing enhancing substance so the mosquito writers who vote for the Mosquito Killing Hall of Fame in Deer Lodge, Montana have to take that into consideration when they are deciding who to let in) or something to that effect when something so insane that he will never forget it for the rest of his life, no matter how many 90s themed GIFs he watches. 

    Bishop glanced to the rope swing to see a couple kids who were about to use it to take a plunge into the lake. The first kid prepared himself to become an aerial torpedo, rubbing his hands against the rope and creating so much friction that Bishop could have sworn he noticed a plume of smoke float through the air. The kid slowly backpedaled up the hill, perhaps about ten feet, took a second to breathe in the surroundings before flinging himself from his current position of relative safety to the unknown depths of danger living right before his eyes. 

    Through the air the kid flew, perhaps too high for any normal human being, Bishop thought to himself. The kid seemed to soar through the air for the entirety of a sitcom theme song. The kid glided through the air as if he was wearing one of those squirrel suits where they require you to mark yourself as “safe” on Facebook before taking off. The kid floated through the air like one of those inflatable air dancer at car dealerships except it would be an advertisement for the new Jackass movie, Naughty Nuns Playing Foosball and Other Weird Things That You Will Never Be Able To Erase From Your Memory Not Even With One Of Those Memory Erasing Devices From Men In Black, Oh Yeah And Edgar The Bug Is Going To Be There To, Yeah I’m Talking About That Weird Bug Guy Who Is Actually A Giant Cockroach, Imagine That Dude At A Cocktail Party, He Would Probably Prefer A Cockroach Party, Oh Snap Points! RIP @Midnight, Wow This Must Be A Big Movie Poster, Buy My Book On Amazon, My Next One Is Coming Out Soon, Follow Me On Twitter And Love What You Do, This Has Just Devolved Into Me Doing Plugs!. 

    Once the kid finally returned to Earth after what seemed like an entire segment of the evening news, it was actually into the mouth of a lake monster that was waiting for him to land patiently underneath the rope swing. So, yeah it was a lake monster. That’s why Chase Bishop is afraid of water. And that’s why Chase Bishop became an FBI agent. To catch that lake monster that has haunted him ever since that fateful day on the dock at the lake by the rope swing next to his grandparents’s massive cabin type estate. 

SQuiz
What does this have to do with sports?
Created 6/12/18
  1. Nothing
  2. Everything
  3. Dancing is a sport, too
  4. It is tangential which sounds like one of the sick dance moves this dude pulled off

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