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Tiger’s Yacht of Wonderment

    Tiger is staying on his 155 foot $20 million yacht during the U.S. Open which tees off Thursday morning at Shinnecock Hills Golf Course on New York’s Long Island. Are you wondering what could possibly be on a yacht this extravagant and magnificent? Look no further than this column. (Seriously, why are you spending your time reading anything else on the internet. Fake news! That’s what I always say; I always say everything on the internet is fake news except for what I write and even that is dubious on a good day. ESPN says the Warriors won the NBA Finals? Fake news! LeBron could still bring the Cavs back from 4-1, even with his injured hand that he broke by punching J.R. Smith in the face partially for forgetting the score of the game with seconds left and partially for looking like the volcano from the Lava short film that was featured before Inside Out.) I guess what I’m trying to say is that these are some of the things on Tiger’s yacht (Tiger’s Yacht is actually the name of the cousin bar of Tiger’s Milk where instead of peanut butter and protein it merely consists of ruby diamonds and gift cards for Sharper Image.)

A Tiger shark aquarium

A Perkins buffet

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010  on XBOX Live so he can confuse gamers who are hopped up on Mountain Dew Code Red

A sideways red solo cup on a carpet to practice eight to twelve foot putts into

Several boxes of fresh fruits and vegetables


A bouncy castle with an obstacle course that is full of golf trick shots 

One of those boxing things that you try to punch the hardest and get the highest score and Tiger has the top ten highest scores, obviously, because he’s got all that unspoken golfer rage pent up and overflowing out of his Nike hat 

A soundtrack to The Masters from 2003-2007

A voicemail greeting recorded by Jim Nantz that begins with, “Hello friends…”

A hieroglyphic tablet chock full of Rickie Fowler’s pants translations 

A green jacket bath robe 

An automatic golf clapper that also says “Shhhhhhh” and “Get in the hole!” 

As many James Taylor records as Taylor Swift

Why is Tiger staying on a yacht during the U.S. Open?
Created 6/13/18
  1. Hiding from rabid fans
  2. Watching movies in his yacht movie theater, AMC - All Movies Castaway-themed
  3. Chillin' with the gulls
  4. Trying to get the high score on one of those golf simulator things that are at Dicks Sporting Goods

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