Groundhogs must think that they live at the top of the animal kingdom and human beings exist merely to clip their toenails, bring them the news of the day (only good, of course) and feed them grapes from a vine while they rest atop their miniature golden throne (did you know that the throne that Jay Z and Kanye are referring to in their collaborative studio album Watch the Throne is actually that of a groundhog? “I’m about to go HAM / Hard as a mothaf**** let these groundhogs know who I am”) Think about it. What other animal has an entire day each year dedicated to them? How many animals can claim that they star in a major motion picture alongside Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell? How many studio albums have Jay Z and Kanye made about lynx cats? (*rustling papers* Well, I don’t know how to say this so I’ll just toss it out there; it appears Kanye’s beautiful dark twisted fantasy from his album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is about having a conversation with a yelling lynx. I would like to apologize to Kanye West and the Kardashians and Jenners and Joel McHale and the entire E! family.)
(Bill Murray is opening a food truck park in South Carolina - has there ever been a more Bill Murray kind of thing to do? Is Bill Murray actually Kang or Kodos from The Simpsons disguised in a Bill Murray human suit and just trying to do the most Bill Murrayest things so that no one says a thing? Why doesn’t he just go all the way and freeze himself in Carbonite so he can claim he lived through the breaking of two Chicago Cubs World Series curses? Is it really necessary for him to run around putting his hands over people’s eyes and telling them people will never believe them when they try to explain what happened to them on their way home from the Crossfit gym? What Bill, their friends will never believe them when they explain how they sucker punched Bill Murray in the gut because he snuck (I refuse to say sneaked; for some odd reason this is the mountain I am willing to die on) up behind them and rubbed his garlic-coated fingers all over their face? Really, Bill?? Not cool, Bill, not cool. Why do I have this sinking feeling that Bill Murray will not rest until we put his face on a commemorative coin or name a car after him or something?))
Did you know groundhogs are the same as woodchucks? Do you know how much ground a groundhog would hog if a groundhog could hog ground? Did you know the movie Wild Hogs is actually based on a longstanding quarrel between a groundhog and a prairie dog from the movie Old Dogs and John Travolta is there for both epic battles? Did you know John Travolta will only star in movies based on old dudes who are past their primes but still looking for one last thrill before settling down for a relaxing life of quietly humming Grease show tunes on the subway until someone recognizes him? Did you know Robin Williams was once described as a human groundhog because of the way he pranced about the stage, ate nothing more than wild berries and dandelions and only left his home to see if he casted a shadow of fame that discouraged regular people from interacting with him?
Is every day the same for groundhogs? That would be fun if there was a groundhog Uber driver and every day was a completely new adventure for them. Then one day the groundhog is like, “I just wanna pop my head out of my home every morning at the same time to check on my shadow like Justin.” And Justin is over there in his hole like, “I wish my life had a little more excitement; maybe if I drive for groundhog Uber that will shake me out of this rut.” Then Bill Murray is like, “You guys are like animal meteorologists. That’s funny to think about,” before he pulls a grocery store clerk’s pants down and tells them that their manager and the police will never believe them.
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- Trying to find its shadow
- Just relaxing
- Trying to find its glasses
- It lost the ball in the sun