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Bolt’s Pursuit of the Pitch Update

Usain Bolt made his professional soccer debut with the Central Coast Mariners in the Australian A-League on Friday.

Apparently, this was the first time Bolt had ever played the world’s game. 

This is a video of Bolt making a majestic cut towards the net with a head fuller of steam than Jay Leno’s car collection. His intentions are pure and his running form is even purer. Bolt blows by the defender, a gazelle to his beat reporter for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. 

Bolt slices through the defense like a steak knife through a shin guard. He moves as smooth as a 2019 Hyundai Santa Fe. The defender is a Ford Pinto from the early 70s that just got rear ended. Every part of the 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle has been perfectly put in place by the Australian soccer gods. the fourth drunkest of the soccer gods.

Then, like Post Malone would say, I fall apart (this is what Bolt’s mind tweeted after the event.) The soccer ball exploded off his foot like a Ford Pinto from the early 70s that just got rear ended. Small town celebrations of the Fourth of July have had less fireworks. The women and children were saved first like a sinking ship. The wreckage was later discovered at the bottom of the Tasman Sea. 

When later asked about his debut, Bolt told reporters he thought it went well. The press room erupted in chuckles. They thought he was joking. 

And just like that, Usain Bolt’s soccer career went up in flames like a Ford Pinto from the… you get it. 

Why does Usain Bolt want to play soccer?
Created 8/31/18
  1. He loves the beautiful game
  2. He just wants to run
  3. He's a walking header
  4. He bought a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Messi at Starbucks and Messi drew a heart inside a soccer ball on his cup which planted the seed of an idea. Also he just wants to run

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