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For Juance in a Lifetime












Dear Juan,

Have you seen the movie Stuck on You? It’s a Farrelly brother flick starring Matt Damon (the sciencey space dude from The Martian) and Greg Kinnear. They were also the creators of the Dumb and Dumber franchise so you could say this was Dumb and Dumbest. But I liked it or at least I remember liking it when I last watched it which was at least a decade ago. 

Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear are conjoined twins and also the best grill cooks (why couldn’t they have been ping pong players - can you imagine two incredibly skilled and experienced players trying to take on these guys? Their court coverage would be off the charts in the fun hobby doctor’s office.) in Vineyard, Massachusetts (a Farrelly brother movie in New England? That’s wicked awesome!) 

Anyway, that’s sort of how I feel about our relationship, Juan. I’m probably Matt Damon because he’s the shy one and I usually like the stay in on Friday nights to watch reruns of Friends and pretend like I’m hanging out with friends. 

You can be Greg Kinnear because you are always the first one to spark up a conversation and everyone loves your booming laugh. Remember that time it woke up a baby on the airplane? Everyone hated you, even the pilot. His announcement over the loud speaker was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. If I can remember right off the top of my head, it went a little something like this. 

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and those of you in coach (shout to The Boss Baby (which that’s a quote from), Guillermo the parking lot security guard from Jimmy Kimmel Live and all the Baldwin brothers except Stephen, no one ever really liked him),
First I would like to thank you for flying Air Bud Airlines. You definitely made the right choice by going with an airline that is named after a dog that plays basketball instead of one of those other companies whose name sounds like an apartment complex.
Anyway, can someone ask that guy watching Bert Kreischer’s new stand up comedy special on Netflix to quell that laugh? It’s louder than Bert Kreischer’s. God, I’m so lonely since Susan left. 77 degrees and partly sunny in Wichita, the Biggest Little City in the World.
What’s that, Ted? That’s the nickname of Reno? Reno, Nevada? You mean Las Vegas after a four night vacation in Las Vegas? No way, nah it’s definitely Wichita. I don’t want to hear it, Ted, worry about what’s on your plate. You’ve got enough on it to feed several Mormon families, not that they would eat it because it’s too unwholesome.  
It looks like it’s gonna be a smooth landing in about 25 minutes, a perfect amount of time to get a jump start on Bert’s special. Once again, folks, thank you for flying Air Bud and I sincerely hope that whoever loves you doesn’t leave you for your best friend who is in a Creed cover band called Human Play-Doh. Wait why did I just give them a plug? Can you edit that out, Jamie?
This is your captain wishing you good luck in life because if you aren’t careful you will end up watching old episodes of Saturday Night Live at 3 am with a quadrumvirate of a quart of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food, a People magazine from high school that you saved because Tom Cruise was (is) your hero and biggest role model and person that you look up to the most of out all the people, your pet hamster that you rescued from a burning building and way too much Sunny D so your teeth get really gritty and you regret every decision that you ever made in life that led you up to those gross chompers that would make a dentist retire to the Florida Keys to reenact a Jimmy Buffett song.
Once again, thank you for everything, I’m so happy for the time we had together and I hope the best for you.
Your captain,
Steve Austin (not that one, people usually call me microwavable and I pretend to laugh while seething with aggression just below my skin that is about to hurdle out and Stone Cold Stunner their temple) 

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, you and I are like the short order cooks who are stuck together in the movie.

Your friend and foe,

The Duct Tape on Juan Del Potro’s Shoe 

SQuiz
Where did the duct tape on Juan Del Potro's shoe come from?
Created 9/7/18
  1. His tennis bag
  2. His other shoe
  3. A drunk heckler hurled a duct tape hail mary
  4. A ball girl diligently placed it there when he was looking for Burt's Bees in his tennis bag

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